I am an emotional wreck as i’m writing this. Tears, snot, everything you can imagine…it’s all happening! Tonight is one of those nights where I don’t have to stress about getting to work early because of work the next day. I am on leave tomorrow, so I had a couple of hours to kill before bedtime. I just spent those hours watching a movie called *As cool as I am*. This was just a random movie selection. I didn’t pay much attention to the details around what type of movie I wanted to watch. I just picked the first movie I got and started playing it. I wasn’t even expecting much from the movie but here I am, sobbing and a little heart broken.
A lot of emotions were sparked and I couldn’t control any of them. I just let it all out. I cried, got angry, laughed, then cried some more. The movie was a little too close to home but in an opposite weird kind of way. Everything I saw is exactly everything I don’t want for either you, or us (Family).
Everyday I watch you grow up a little bit older and smarter and everyday I lie awake at night wondering what it is i’m doing! When you were younger, it was easy. I made decisions for you. I did what was best for you while you sat and smiled. I never had to stop and think for a moment about how it would make you feel or that you might not like it! But now thing are different. You are your own person, strong willed, very opinionated, and you don’t give up without a fight. All this I love but I have no idea how to deal with it.
I knew this was coming – it’s the inevitable part of parenting.
You get a baby and baby turns toddler, then young kid, and the circle continues!
I had the baby stage all figured out; I just didn’t think you’d be growing up so quickly. I’m still finding my feet and adjusting to the preschooler phase. It’s not always easy but i’m trying and won’t stop until I get it right. Parenting is no easy task but it’s what i’ve always wanted and although it may take me a moment to get this all figured out and get the right answers for all you million questions, I will keep going. In the meantime but, here’s what I need you know…
- To never give up on you
- To be your biggest supporter and fan
- To love you even when i’m angry
- To protect you as best I can at all times
- To be there when you need someone to talk to
- To let you fall
- To be there to help you get up and start again
- To allow you to be your own person
- To be the best I can for you
- I will try everyday to be the Mom you want me to be
And I promise I will cherish all the memories we create daily forever. You don’t know this yet, but you are the best plan i’ve made in my 26 years of life.